9.01.25 thai

i spent all day with grandma today.

i was cleaning out my grandmas house- as i already cleaned out Dericks house. this is the last place i have my belongings, but she refused to let me throw anything away arguing its a waste of money. so i said i'll give her money instead so she can let me throw it away- it worked, lol.

i took her to lunch, then thai saw that i deleted all my social media and came over and wanted to hangout and play pickleball. i know he's worried- but i'm okay.

so he was telling me-

"tony my first love was toxic too,

you said this relationship was toxic as well,

so why are you still chasing?"

i told him-

"I'm okay, thai. I really am.

I'm not chasing.

I'm not texting her, i'm not stalking her.

I just- miss her.

so much.

I love her.

I am sad, i am in pain, and it's okay.

I'm still happy, i wake up everyday,

bringing joy and love to everyone,

I have fun and laugh with you, right?

I am sad but i also feel joy.

I do find love for myself, life's great.

But i do miss her, i do cry for her.

And it's okay.

I'm sitting in this discomfort,

In this pain, and it's okay.

It just means that i really love her.

I know i won't be here forever, but

i'm also not rushing to move on either.

everyone is so quick to move on.

everyone's so uncomfortable with pain,

i understand it-

but i find beauty in it too.

beauty in her, in our relationship.

i know what we had was bad,

i never want that back,

that's a version of me that hated himself,

the pain is in the what if-

its in the version of me now

and how much love i can give now

she's my first love after all.

let me love her just a little more.

even if it makes me sad for now."

Thai said-

"I see. Wow. Before i told you to date other people

Because i just wanted you to see other perspectives.

You know you said so yourself though, you guys were toxic. I'm with Vy now, and i just wanted you to know there's healthy people out there."

I replied-

"I know, i know there's healthy people out there. So?I learned that love is not just a feeling. It's a commitment, it's showing up everyday. It's loyalty. Yeah, sure there's healthier people than her out there, but i love her- and the version of me back then hated myself and i was weak then. But the man who I'm growing into now is strong enough who can love her everyday. It doesn't matter though, she's gone now. And i know she's not coming back. And to be fair, all the unhealthy things she did was in response to me- she never felt safe with me; she told me. She always felt like she was losing me. And thats a foundation of any relationship- that's on me, just to be fair. I just didn't know better then."

Thai asked-

"What if she shows up now"

I replied-

"I don't play the what if game- i can't, she says she's happy now. All i can control is my emotions."

Thai asked-

"Okay what if you meet someone right now that is really pretty, or your next 'the one'

I answered-

"Nope. At the moment, there's only one pretty girl in my eyes, and there's only one "the one" right now. I choose her- she doesn't choose me anymore, and that's okay. Maybe i'll lose my opportunities with others for now, and that's okay but i'm not done loving and missing her yet, maybe i will one day, but again I'm not in a rush to move on. I love her."

Thai laughed and said

"Damn my Rolex though."

He then shared and said he's really proud of me and my progress- he said i'm healing and doing more than he ever has and can ever imagine possible. He's at awe at what's changed in a few months.

I think about it too.

It's true.

I'm not in a rush to move on.

It's okay to miss you.

As long as i know i can't be here forever.

And i know that.

I know.

Everyday i feel like you forget me more and more.

What can i do.

I know.

It's okay.