ellen's imperfect heart

healing ellen's imperfect heart

this is how i wanted to heal your heart.

this is how i wanted to love you.

this is what i left away, went to therapy, worked on myself, to be ready.

to build the love and capacity to do all of this.

i want to visit your high school. visit where you used to hangout, see how you grew up.

i don't want you to erase or forget your past, i want to be a part of it, i want to live it with you.

i want to walk with you and heal with you.

i know, its not a bright spot to look at. i know.

you didn't feel pretty-maybe you still don't.

beauty standards are already hard for girls in this society and extra hard for koreans.

your so beautiful in my eyes and your skin, to me, is perfect.

the way it glows under the sun and it makes your eyes shine, and skin glister,

you're beautiful- and its something i'd remind and reassure you everyday.

i'd sneak pictures and videos of you everyday when you're not looking- because gosh, you're a work of art. in my eyes, you're beautiful now, and you were beautiful when you were younger too. i'd show you.

i know, you didn't feel safe at home.

your brothers were mean. i know.

all you wanted was to feel seen and loved.

and yet they showed you the opposite, even if they call it love, its harsh, so harsh.

why does love have to be mean and harsh- is that love- i know. i know.

i know you wonder and question these things all your life growing up- doubting their love.

well, the thing is i know they care, they just are showing it in the wrong ways.

first, nobody is allowed to say mean things to you anymore. i'll correct and shut that down right away- not even your own dad. i wouldn't make a scene- but i also would not allow anybody to put my princess down. i'm smart and skilled enough to diffuse situations. i'll stand up for you- for all the times in the past now- and for your younger self that i wasn't there.

i know you feel like you're too much

and yet not enough at the same time.

but you are- enough. you are. and i'll remind you, and show you everyday, by showing up- holding you, by being a team.

i know, family is important to you.

all my life i longed for family too. you and me, we do want the same things.

family is important to me too. i love you so much i know everyone will too.

how can they not? they just need to see you in my eyes and they'd fall in love with you too-

because you're so easy to love, and there's so much to love.

i'd be sure your relationships with your family is healthy and strong- all your family.

i'll take care of all your family- visit them all often, check-in with them often, be sure everyone is healthy. i worked hard to build things where i can retire you and your entire family. we can visit korea every month. your dad doesn't have to uber anymore. we can get your grandparents a new car. your family is my family. i'll show it to you.

i know, you're too smart for your own good.

you are so smart, you never really had a childhood.

i never did either- i was forced to grow up so fast

there's a reason why you get bored easily.

there's a reason why many days you sit there- you get bored.

you question if there's more to life- you think maybe having kids will solve this boredom.

so, before we start our own family- let's go be children again.

let's go. let's go travel the world, explore, live, smile, laugh, create memories, and let our inner child have fun. let's go live that childhood we never had.

that's how i would heal your imperfect heart. together.

---------------------------

i know- you are happy sometimes.

yeah, of course- me too. 

we smile, we laugh, we feel joy.

but deep down, there's this broken heart.

and you think you can fill it

with a healthy/safe relationship

with a marriage​

with a family.

but i think true happiness is when

you heal that broken heart before you start those things.

otherwise you're pouring water into a cup with a leaking hole.

​​the honeymoon stages of relationships

meeting new people, new cities, new love

it's easy to hide the leaks.

you are so easy to love. I fell in love with you so easily, and so quickly. Yeah, people love me easily and quickly, but I didn't love them back- not like I do with you. Just you- only you. I just didn't love myself at that moment and lacked the capacity to hold space for us- but I just wanted you to know- it's okay. Show it. All of you. I have seen it- and I still love you. So so much. So don't be scared to show it. Don't be afraid. There's nothing wrong with you. You're perfectly normal and normally perfect.

--------------------------- i think we're meant to be

isn't it sad?

to be the boy who sits here

hoping for a story that's already written out.

isn't it sad?

looking up at the stars searching for a clue

for a world where our roads cross but this time end together

isn't it sad?

dreaming about you dropping everything

and run with the overwhelming realization

surging through your body

that you nearly lost the one

just like the hollywood movies

the kind where you chase down cars

and stop planes

the kind where the world stops breathing

isn't it sad?

my genie is tired

tired of hearing the same wish everyday

my dreams are tired

tired of playing the same movie

movies aren't real but we do write our own stories

and in all of mine, we find our way and end up together

all while you're holding your pen writing your future

without me in it isn't it sad? ---------------------------

do you remember what happened thursday night?

i doubt you remember- you have bad memory.

you really shouldn't have asked me for that dinner.

you asked me if i ever think you will be happy.

you have been telling me a lot lately that you're not happy.

not true happy at least.

then you told me about your grandma.

i didn't even think- not even for a second did i?

do you remember telling me that you want to choose me but you're scared.

do you remember telling me that you think i'm a walking red flag.

did you remember you holding me when i said bye.

did you remember pulling me in and cuddling when i said bye.

i know you don't.

you also told me about your mom.

how she chose your dad over and over only to be hurt by him.

that's the story you saw and learned about true love.

ellen, i know he cheated on her again and again.

i understand you grew up seeing that.

that's not me, your not her.

true love can be real, true love is a choice.

yes, i hurt you.

but don't lie to yourself.

don't change the narrative. i'm not a manipulative narcissist.

i take full responsibility.

i neglected you when you needed me the most.

you were at the worst moments of your life- you were even thinking about dark thoughts.

it was wrong of me. it's not okay. i don't forgive myself. however,

i was also severely depressed, that was also the worst moments of my life.

i was losing my business, my partner kept manipulating me with lies and lies.

i had to leave to be a better man. to be ready- to love you the way you needed.

it's over now- okay. but don't change the narrative ellen.

it was right persons wrong time, we met each other at our worst time.

i just don't want you to lie to your kids and tell them true love is not real and continue the cycle. don't do that to them- it is real, it is possible, it's a choice- it just won't be easy, and it is scary. but the best things are scary.

it's crazy.

i know you.

i know you're a pussy.

i talk to denise a lot- she too didn't choose her soulmate.

it's crazy to me not choosing full happiness.

it doesn't matter though.

your mom told you to choose someone that loves yiu more than you love him. what does she say about someone who loves you more than himself, more than the world?

i want you to know, my love for you is endless.

i have showed it to you by now- haven't i?

actions speak louder than words.

even when you didn't choose me, my love didn't waver one bit did it.

when you told me about your dads phone, i was driving and already made the order in.

I myself and am using an older phone.

when you told me about your grandma, i didn't even need to think. did i?

the most expensive thing i own is a $3000 bed.

i don't have anything expensive or luxurious, but i don't hesitate to give you more money than i ever have for myself.

i'll be honest with you.

I gave you everything I have.

I rather starve than ask for a penny back.

I'll be okay- I always will be.

Go take care of your family, go live your life.

I made you 3 promises.

I promise I will care after your family.

Your brothers and dad have my number now.

If they call or text me, I will always help them at best of my ability- always.

Even if I'm with someone else- I will. Rest assured.

Please tell them they can trust me.

The other 2 promises- i suppose will be for another lifetime.

You said you don't love me anymore.

I can't believe you can said that.

but

I believe you.

I believe it completely.

You have shown me zero consideration, zero care.

You have been really selfish.

Mean what you say.

Please delete my phone number.

There's no reason for you to have it any longer.

Your family has my number now- tell them to text me directly, you don't need to be the messenger.

Mean what you say. I will forever love you- I have you tattooed on me.

My heart cracks whenever I see your text or phone call.

I don't want to be your friend.

I don't even want to be your stranger. Please delete my number.

I don't want to convince you to love me.

I deserve someone that chooses me, and I'll go find them.

Please,

delete me.

thanks.