9.03.25 helping

hey my dearest,

This morning the moon was extra beautiful. The sky was just extra breathtaking.

I was really appreciating the peacefulness, taking in the deep morning air. Then I realized- I'm not depressed anymore. I'm still sad- absolutely. You're the love of my life- i miss you dearly. I'm sad you're not in my arms, I'm sad you don't even think of me anymore, i'm sad you say ily to someone else, I'm sad our days are over. But i'm not depressed, i find joy and excitement now. I'm in pain, but i'm not suffering.

And i think all of this is okay- i just love you a lot. I figured all of this out way too late, sadly. but life sucks like that sometimes. You're happy now, and one day i will be too. For now, i'll miss you a little longer; for now, i'll love you a little more.

This morning at the gym- at 6am i saw an old guy- in his late 50s refill his water bottles- the big blue gallon kind. the kind the you put in the office and people

drink from. its big and heavy, and he had like 10

of them! And i'm over here doing biceps curls and i think how silly it is, lifting artificial weights.

so i ran outside and asked him i can help- he grumbled, i can tell he was thinking. so i pitched-

"ah, i'm just trying to get some light exercise in, you're the one helping me, actually. what's your name? this to the car right?"

he said yes. hah, i knew he would say yes. we chatted for a bit, his name was also tony 😅. he said he doesn't believe me that i am single- yeah yeah. i don't know how the conversation got there.

anyways, as i got back to working out, i was thinking. hm, yesterday at volleyball i was also helping. one of the girls was putting away the net, one of the poles looked heavy, so i ran over to help.

would you have been mad?

but what if i made you feel safe?

what if i reassured you of my love and loyalty to you everyday? would you still feel insecure?

what if i asked for permission first?

what if--- and then i stopped myself.

you're gone.

what am i doing.

and i felt this sharp pain in my heart, like a needle.

I took a deep breath.

I guess i'll never know.

And that's okay.

I just miss you.

its okay to miss you, i tell myself.

it's not okay to run these scenarios though, lol.

we're not dating, you're not coming back.

also

you know when the sun shines, it shines.

one of the vendors starting to finally pay RJ- technically 200k of it is mine. I told him, if he wants to give it to me, i'll take it, but if he doesn't, i don't even care. He's the one who has to sleep with himself at night.

I'm so happy with where I'm at professionally and financially and I want to be far far away from him. But it will be interesting to see what he decides to do.

Thank you for listening to my problems.

maybe one day i could do the same for you.